A Different Approach to Failure

A Different Approach to Failure

05/5/16 Laura Gibbons

By Sandra L. Bennett, LCSW, Centerstone Solutions
We all know what it’s like to make New Year’s resolutions and we all know how it feels to fail. What follows is usually a period (sometimes a long one) of self-criticism and hopelessness (“I’ll never lose that weight!” or “I’ll never be able to run a marathon!”).

However, self-criticism never helps keep resolutions; it just makes you feel unhappy and annoyed, mostly at yourself.  And so you either give up and go get Baskin Robbins or you throw away your running shoes.

There is a third option: Relax and work on accepting yourself. There are good reasons to relax about your lack of resolve.  As you may have heard in the past few years, it has been discovered that our brains can be re-molded. Repeated self-criticism can literally shape brain pathways into patterns that sustain negativity while self-acceptance can reinforce more positive ways of thinking.

In addition, anytime we fight an issue in our lives the thing we’re fighting has a way of fighting back, i.e. what we resist, persists. It brings up another fact that has been true for many, many years: All the resolving in the universe can’t conquer our emotions.

Therefore, the bottom line is that taking a forgiving approach to any failure puts us precisely in the place of kindness and acceptance where positive changes are the easiest. It doesn’t mean that this process will be easy, which is why it’s called “re-solution” rather than “solution.” Know that you’ll have to re-do, resolving the same problem over and over. But each time you go through the process you get more strength, more practice, and more wisdom about what works for you.  If you don’t succeed, the failure will help you find the upside so that you can re-solve the issue better next time.