Anger – Are You Acting Out Your Child or Adult Self
Anger – Are You Acting Out Your Child or Adult Self
04/14/16 Laura Gibbons
Everyone has times when they are angry. You know the feeling: thoughts are crowding out any rational response to events taking place, feelings of being ready to explode, hot all over, and possibly a need to run or take a swipe at something or someone!
All of these are symptoms of when we are experiencing anger, however not the crux of the anger. Think about a time you experienced anger. Were you by yourself or with others? Were you thinking about something that was happening at the moment or in the past? Was your anger expression at a person general in nature?
Most of us express anger when an event is happening, and it is when there is something going on that challenges one of our core values or beliefs about our self or someone we care about. Typically anger isn’t about a “thing,” but rather about our connection to that “thing.” We personalize our response and then it becomes about us. Let’s look at an example of how this plays out.
John and Mary purchased a new home in the fall and this spring work for hours on their yard, pulling weeds, mulching and planting shrubs and flowers. They are exhausted, yet very proud of their hard labor to add their personalities to their new house. Later that evening Mary’s older sister comes over for a cook out, and states, “Let me know when are you going to work on your yard, I have some starts of perennial flowers for you.”
Now, there are a couple choices here:
- Become indignant and reply with, “What do you mean? We have worked for two days, and you haven’t even noticed!!!!”
- Remain calm and say, “Oh that is so kind of you. Yes, we are very interested in adding color to our yard, come look at what we have done so far.”
The first response is driven from the reaction of feeling personally attacked, and de-valued. Your big sister has just dismissed all of the work you have done, and treated you like you don’t have a responsible thought or action, just like she always did when you were growing up. Jumping to this conclusion is steeped in old “FOO stuff,” translated, Family of Origin Stuff. It originated in early days, and you still carry the feeling and thoughts of being ten. You have jumped to a conclusion that you are being criticized, rather than clarifying what your heard. You dismiss the fact that she has noticed you were working on the yard because she offers some plants. What she doesn’t say is, “When you work in your yard again…”, or “Wow, nice yard!” Without clarifying you are immediately in your default zone of age 10.
The second choice for a response has no emotion embedded. You express appreciation of her offer, and then direct her to see what you have accomplished.
What happened here, you ask? Lots! The first response is one built from the de-valued younger child, and then comes out of the adult’s mouth. How often we do this, depends on how many hot buttons we have from earlier life experiences. We blame the other person instead of paying attention with an open mind and not running old material through our reactions first. Sometimes we need to go through several reactions until we find one that isn’t a “default.”
Next time you notice you are reacting to something someone says, your goal will be to stop and check your “FOO stuff.” You just might find you are reacting out of your ten year old self, and not your adult self.
To discuss this or other topics that get in the way of being who you want to be, call Centerstone Solutions – Your EAP.